To Feel Human Again
by jackfarron777
Summary: M/M Slash. Clint can feel Loki's curse reclaiming his mind. He tries to suppress it but is powerless against the darkness and gives in to it's will and temptations. Can he escape the prison of his mind or will he destroy everything and everyone he loves? Slash, no like no read. Warning: Rated M for a reason. This story is dark and very explicit. My first story. Reviewers are loved!


Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers or any of the affiliated characters, settings, or actors.

"Just a dream." I sit awake panting and sweating, still feeling the darkness at the edges of my consciousness. "Just a dream." I whisper to myself again. "It wasn't real. Just a dream." And yet the vision still haunts me, refusing to be ignored; her smile as I appeared in her doorway, her laughs which turned to moans as I worked my hand over her breasts, her red hair splayed over the pillows as I lay over her… her screams as I pushed the first arrow through her ribs, her desperate attempt to fight me off, her wild, desperate pleading eyes. My own laughter woke me up.

She stirs next to me, reaching for me in her sleep. I slowly step off of the bed and feel my way through the darkness. I run my fingers over the shelf and find the three quivers. I reach into the middle one and pull out the familiar box. I open it and inspect the diamond and ruby studded gold circle, spinning it slowly through my fingers. My pain is amplified by the sudden carnal desire that tears away at the romantic feelings the ring brings. I put the ring back in the box and slide the box into its hiding place once again. I can't ask her, not now, maybe not ever… Not until these dreams end, not until I can trust myself again. "I love you." I whisper, but I nearly choke on the word love and I can feel something in the depths of me swell in protest of the very idea.

I can feel the darkness clawing at my mind. It wants out, and its cage degrades more and more each day. I need alcohol, need to drown the other me in it. Sometimes it works, sometimes nothing does… but I can't stay here tonight, so silently I leave. I head to the nearest bar that stays open throughout the night. I've become a regular there.

Its 2:00 in the morning by the time I get back to the tower. The first floor is dark but even in my drunken state I can still see the way to the elevator. Everyone else is asleep… or almost everyone. I stop as I pass the living room, sensing someone's presence in its depths. I turn my head to face over my shoulder unable to see who it is in my drunken state, but I have an idea.

"I know you're there." I call out.

"Where have you been?" asks a voice, _his voice_, from the darkness of the living room. And suddenly I feel the poison in my head writhe ever so slightly. _I shouldn't have come back_.

"Out." is all I manage to say in reply.

"I asked you where you were." The lingering distrust in his voice hurts more than it should.

"Just go to bed, Steve." I move away from the threshold into the hall and suddenly he's there, grabbing my arm and pulling me back. He turns the lights on and twists me around, forcing me to face him.

"What's your problem?!" He's yelling now, losing his cool for only the third time I've ever known him, and it's almost enough to throw me off guard… almost. "Whether you like it or not your part of a team now, and furthermore, that team answers to me. So I want to know where you're going every night at 2:00 in the morning." _So he already knew I was running off… of course he did._

"Narnia" I answer back. It sounds too cold, even to me, but I don't deal well with confrontation and, frankly, this was just a bad time.

"Damn, Clint, how much did you drink tonight? You smell like a brewery." He scrunches his nose and backs away a little, but not enough.

I avert his gaze, unable to face him. I can smell him, feel him standing in front of me… and the other me roars inside my head. The room is getting hotter and I lock myself in place.

Suddenly the images from my dreams flash through my mind. Not the dreams from last night though, the other dreams; the dreams about him. The dreams where he throws me onto the counter, his muscles rippling, chest bare, he attacks my neck ruts against me. He bruises me in all the right places, he's relentless and dark and strong. Suddenly were naked and I can feel him all around me, inside me. I can feel the heat radiating from his slick body. He grunts as he forces himself deeper. I take as much of him as I can, and when I reach my limit he forces me further until he's sheathed. It only takes a moment before the darkness takes over. Suddenly I'm laughing cruelly as I stare into his eyes… they're glowing like mine. And the other me whispers "kill him."… I can never wake up until I do.

"I don't need to explain myself to you." I turn again but he grabs me, much more aggressively this time. _Take a hint, boy-scout and fucking let me go_. I almost scream at him but he doesn't give me the chance.

"Actually, you do, Clint. We all have our issues but we need to find ways to cope. Alright? And when we can't cope on our own, then we ask for help. We don't go searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle," he pauses for a second, "or possibly a barrel in your case." He practically spits out the last bit.

"Well maybe that's how I fucking cope. Tell you what, Cap, when it stops working for me, I'll throw a god-damn tea party and we can discuss our feelings." I'm yelling now too.

"Don't use the Lord's name in…" I cut him off with a punch to jaw, which he blocks and deflects into the wall next to me. He grabs my hands and holds them above my head, pushing me forcefully against the wall. "You really want to do this now, soldier? 2:30 in the morning, you're drunk off your ass and attacking you're commanding officer, who happens to be a good half a foot taller than you".

"I'm not your fucking soldier… not anymore. My bag's already packed. Now if you'd just let me go, I'll be out of your hair for good."

Steve's grip loosens and surprise overtakes his anger for a moment. "Clint, you can't just… errgh, look at me!" The anger's returning but I still glare at the floor. "Why not just talk to me?! Why are you so damn selfish? What about Natasha? What would she do if she just woke up and you were gone?"

"She'd be safer". It's hardly even a whisper and I already regret letting it slip out, hoping that maybe he hadn't heard, but I know that's impossible.

"Excuse me?" His anger evaporates immediately, replaced by confusion and possibly concern.

I try to stand silently but it all comes out at once. "Every night I dream about her, about being with her, about holding her and loving her and…" my voice hitches, Steve releases my hands. "…And killing her. Loki's poison is still there, I can feel the other me constantly in the back of my head. In the dreams I see her die and I wake up… sticky. I fucking get off on it." The next moment is filled with a suffocating silence. I slowly pick my head up and look into his eyes for the first time. "Look into my eyes, Steve. What do you see?"

He stares at me, thrown off of his guard for a moment. The look in his eyes is answer enough, though he still replies, "They're… dark".

He backs away just an inch. "I'm losing control Steve. I want to feel like myself again… human again."

"Clint I…" and suddenly I'm on him. My arms wrap around his torso and I turn him and push him roughly against the wall. I attack his neck with my tongue and my teeth. He stands stunned but only for a few seconds before he begins to push me away. "Clint… you're drunk". His protest is weak and I continue my assault. He pushes harder but I'm persistent. I lick up the side of his neck and whisper into his ear.

"I need this Steve. Please, I need this so bad it hurts." He hesitates for a moment, betrayed by his compassion. Such a boy-scout. I grin inwardly and take advantage; reaching down to rub him through his flannels. He moans involuntarily, it's quick and silent as breath, but it's a moan. I can feel him hardening in my hands. "Hmm, seems like you might need it too." I whisper into his ear, "Pretty responsive, how long has it been since you fucked someone?"

"It's… ugh… I've only ever made love to Bu… ugh… Peggy"

I smirked. "70 years? That's a pretty long dry spell, Cap, I'd say you might even need this more than I do." I rub him through his flannel pants, from his crotch all the way up to the tip of his hardening cock. He's already leaking pre-cum and a large stain is forming on the front of his pants.

"Clint… oouuugh… I can't… I'm your teammate… I'm your… ugh… leader." His eyes are rolling back now and his head is resting against the wall behind him.

"So take charge, Captain. Be authoritative; show me you're in control". I kept whispering into his ear.

I tear the cotton shirt off of him and immediately wrap my lips around his nipple. I suck and bite it while I fondle him and run my other hand over his chest, bringing it up to pinch at his other nipple. He's moaning a little louder now and no longer protests to the assault on his body; in fact he's begun to thrust his hips into my palm ever so slightly. "That's it." I whisper. "That's the way Cap, just let it all go. Enjoy yourself." I lick my way down his chest, over his washboard stomach and down to the trail of blonde hair under his navel. I look up at him and meet his gaze.

"What are you… don't… you don't have to…" It's not a protest and I ignore it.

"Shhhh, I want to taste you." I'm fully on my knees now and I pull his stiff cock from the confines of his flannel pants. I'm surprised at the weight of it. It's hefty; at least two and half, maybe even three inches thick. The shaft begins in a light thicket of blond hair and it extends eight inches, ending in a bulbous, shiny head. He's not cut, although it makes sense considering he's from the 40's. Beads of pre-cum were dripping tantalizingly from the tip. I hold him in my hand for a moment. He's big, he's really big. I can feel the excitement pulse through me and I take a lick, sliding my tongue across his sensitive head, lapping at the pre-cum.

He gasps and a slight shudder rocks his body. I take another lick, spurred on by the positive reaction. His hand rests on the back of my head as I continue licking. He tastes sweet and salty and completely masculine, it's… intoxicating. I move lower, licking at the base of his cock, I can smell his scent, the scent of his cock and balls fills my nose and it's something manly and erotic and purely Steve. I drag my tongue up the underside of his shaft, following the vein until I reach the head again and I wrap my lips around it, dipping my tongue into his slit.

"Jesus, Clint." He's panting and moaning now; I'm almost tempted to tell him to not say the Lord's name in vain, but that would mean having to take him out of my mouth which is not going happen. He tastes too damn good.

His grip tightens over the back of my head, his fingers curling through my hair and spurring me onwards. I begin to take more of him into my mouth. I go as deep as I dare, getting about four or five inches of him on my first try, and I hollow my cheeks and hum slightly. His entire body is racked by shudders and his legs buckle as he uses the wall for support, trying to not fall on top of me. Steve moans were guttural as I worked, trying to take him as deep as I could and sucking deeply. I released him from my mouth and he whimpered at the loss.

"Don't worry big guy, I wouldn't leave you like this." I say as I take him in hand and rub him slowly. At the same time I bring my head down and start to suck on one of his balls, gently taking it into my mouth. They're big too. It's got to be the serum. I can feel his balls tighten a little and I decide it's about time I finished the job. Releasing his balls with a loud pop I come back up and work his shaft into my mouth, attempting to relax my throat so I could deep-throat. He thrusts forward and I give his thighs an encouraging squeeze. Steve takes the hint and thrusts into my mouth, harder this time. I moan and he begins to fuck my face vigorously. After only a few more thrusts, he grunted sharply.

"Clint… ugh, Clint you gotta stop… I'm gunna… nnnyaaa… I'm gunna…" He bit out, still thrusting almost violently into my mouth.

I moan loudly and slide my mouth up his shaft to his head, dragging my teeth along the underside of his cock and hollowing my cheeks. Steve practically roars and I can taste, and feel, the jets of cum releasing from his cock. He tastes delicious and I try to swallow as much as I can but there's so much and a little bit dribbles over my lip and down my chin. I moan again and suck him dry, waiting for him to go flaccid in my mouth before I slide my lips off of his head.

Then he pulls me up, scooping under my arms and lifting me off my feet with ease. "My turn", he whispers, lust still thick in his voice. He throws me against the wall and this time he does take control. Steve's lips meet mine and tongues fighting for dominance. He swipes it over each of my teeth and the roof of my mouth, tasting himself in me. I moan heavily into his throat.

Finally we both need air and we break the kiss with a gasp. He immediately attacks my neck, switching our roles. He bites and sucks, marking me as his, his hips rut against my jeans and I feel him already coming back to attention. Impressive, is that from the serum or the dry spell… or both? He breaks away just long enough to pull my leather jacket off revealing a tight-fitted black and purple wife-beater, which is also thrown into the room haphazardly. Steve slides his hands down my pecks, my chest and my abs, moaning appreciatively. Finally he reaches my belt and jerks it through the loops and onto the floor in a flash. He then pushes me back fully against the wall, drops to his knees, and bites the zipper of my jeans, sliding the fly down with his teeth.

Steve slowly tugged down my boxers and holds me in his hand for a moment, staring. I begin to blush, suddenly very self-conscious, but the darkness takes over again and I'm all business. Steve whispers "Clint…" but the darkness is impatient and I cut him off, pushing my head to his lips. He takes me into his mouth and immediately I can't help but to cry out. The sudden warmth and wetness envelopes my sensitive flesh. He bobs, gently at first and hollows his cheeks, creating a delicious pressure. He scrapes his teeth along the bottom and laps at the very tip.

I don't remember moving but suddenly I realize my hands are in his hair and he's bobbing all the way from the base to the tip. He's working me with his hands and lips and tongue and teeth and he's humming and moaning and fondling my balls and it's too much.

"Steve… ahaaha… Steve I'm… nneeaaa… Steve"! And then everything stops and the loss of contact is a painful shock. "Nnnnaaaaaa". I moan feebly and reach down, desperate to finish what he started but he swats my hand away.

"No, Clint." He says, standing up. "I'm not done with you yet." He pushes me roughly against the wall and our lips meet in a searing, passionate, almost painful, kiss.

I come up for air and he's on me again, biting at my shoulders and nipping at my chin and neck. "Heh, we switched Cap'n." I can't even keep my eyes open, what he's doing to me has more of an effect than even the alcohol.

"I'm taking control." he growls into my ear, his voice made hoarse by lust. "Being authoritative." Steve's hips meet mine and cocks touch and his legs buckle slightly. We moan in unison and he falls against me, crushing my chest into the wall. For a moment our bodies practically meld together before he regains his balance and stands, wrapping an arm around my waist and squeezing my ass. I wrap my legs around his waist and he pulls me up, bringing my face to his as he carries me into the middle of the room where he lifts me onto the coffee table in a sitting position, my legs dangling over the edge. He kisses me, standing between my knees.

I wrap my arms around his neck and he leans in, rolling me down until I'm lying on my back. My hips raise slightly and I bend my left knee so I can rest my foot on the table. The cold metal of the table pulls a hiss from my lips. Steve moves off side an inch or two and brings a hand down to massage my crotch and my ass, giving it a playful squeeze. He drags his lips off of mine and replaces them with three of his fingers.

"Suck" he commands, standing over me. And I play the good little soldier and obey my commanding officer, taking his thick digits into mouth and wetting them with my tongue and cheeks.

He pulls his fingers back and drips a little drool down my chin. He withdraws and kneels on the ground, bringing his hand to my entrance. I raise myself up on my elbows to meet his eyes and I see him hesitate.

"Are you sure you want this?" Steve asks. I don't know why but I suddenly realize I need to tell him.

"I wouldn't know… I've never..." I took a breath, adjusting myself, "Never really done this before, Steve." A flash of worry streaks through his eyes and the darkness sees the hesitation and the other me blurts out "But yeah… I want this, I want… I need you, Steve". He nods and spreads his left hand and forearm over my pelvis, holding my hips down on the table as he takes his right hand and pushes his index finger into me.

I gasp and my shoulders drop down onto the table. Fuck, if one finger feels like this… ugh how am I gonna… fuck, he's big. He notices my distress and slows down his movement, curling his finger slightly and sliding in with less force. He then leans over and begins to nip and suck on my hip bone, distracting me from my initial pain. My breathing returns to normal and I realize how good this suddenly feels. My hips start to move on their own and he puts more pressure on me with his arm.

"I don't want you to force anything, don't hurt yourself, ok?" I lift my head, my neck is barely able to support it, and stare at him, whimpering slightly.

"I need more… like now".

"You should go slower…" He starts but I cut him off.

"No… I uhhh… I'm fine… It's good… More." And I plead with my eyes.

He smiles and rewards my enthusiasm with a second finger. My back spasms, and a shudder flows up my spine, but I shake my head when he stops and so he continues to push his two fingers into me. He curls them and scissors them delicately, preparing me. I adjust to the second finger faster than the first and in only a minute I'm begging him for a third finger. I can see the lust in his eyes now and he doesn't protest this time, instead he silently pushes all three saliva-slicked fingers into me, moving each independently as they stretch me. My body tenses from the intrusion and a pained cry escapes my lips but this time he ignores it, calming me with a hush and continuing his ministrations. It hits me again that his cock is still larger than all three of his fingers and I am nearly overtaken by fear but before I can voice my concerns his fingers curl over something inside of me and the air is forced from my lungs. My toes curl, my hands clench into fists, my eyes close and a throaty moan drives through my body.

"Ah, found it" he says darkly, his tongue darting out to swipe his lips.

"Again." is the only word I'm able to form but he understands perfectly and complies, brushing his fingertips over that spot a second time. My hips buck up against the weight of his arm and my legs spread wide as my left knee twitches, my foot slipping over the edge of the table struggling to find purchase. He laughs again "Damn, Clint, you're so responsive… and tight". I'm unable to even think of a reply.

"Ok, I'm good…" I muster, "Nyaa… Steve, no more… fingers… need you… need you now". He pulls his hand out and stands up, centering himself between my legs, before pulling my knees up and over his shoulders. I hear the pop of a bottle cap and see him place the lubricant on the table next to me after applying it to himself. Why was that in the living room… on the coffee table?

"Fuck." He whispers, "Do you have a condom?"

I shake my head but the darkness won't let it end here. "No condom, please… I need flesh not synthetic… Please." Steve sighs and begins to back away. A boy-scout with the self-control of the god-damn Pope…

"Clint… I… We can't…"

I move one leg off of his shoulder and wrap it around his waist, thankful for my childhood and my training for turning me into something that bends so easily. I cut him off before he can finish his protest.

"I'm clean Steve… I promise… I need this and I want this. I'm laid out in front of you, willing and eager. Just this once stop being so pure and take advantage. Use me if you have to… But don't leave, please." I am nearly in tears and I don't know if it's because of the near rejection, the fear of the darkness that I can feel fighting its way back, the alcohol and lack of sleep, or some cocktail of everything. He inches forward again, moved by lust and the pain in my eyes.

"I can only ask you one more time Clint… Are you sure? Because if we start this it will be hard to stop… but if you need me to I can st-" His last words are choked out of him as I pull him forward, using my leg that's around his hip, and impale myself on him, taking in the first couple of inches in one sharp movement. His abdomen falls forward and he plants his hands on either side of my head. Beads of sweat rest at his hairline and his breathing hitches and turns ragged. "C… Clint" he looks down into my eyes.

My face contorts in pain and my knuckles go white. It was stupid and impulsive but someone had to make the first move. I grind my teeth, "Move", I'm tired of waiting.

"Clint, breathe… if you don't relax then this is going to hurt a lot more than it needs to." Steve has composed himself a little, but the lust has blackened his eyes and his self-control seems to be cracking. He slowly inches forward and I focus on him; his scent, his taste, the feel of his flesh inside of me. I take a hand and squeeze his bicep. I force the air in and out of my lungs, sputtering, but pulling him forward into me with my legs, all the while.

He's in about five inches now and I can finally open my eyes. I see him standing over me, head hanging, hair wet with sweat, eyes closed lightly, mouth forming a perfect "O". Steve's moaning, trying to force himself to slow down, but enjoying my body too much.

Seven inches of him now and I know I've almost taken all of him. My body is still adjusting but I'm able to give him a few encouraging rocks.

Finally, he's completely sheathed and we're both sweating and panting and moaning. I take my leg that's still over his shoulder and move it down and wrap it across his back. He lowers his forehead to rest on mine and clenches his fists, forcing his hips to still. We wait to catch our breath. Finally I roll my hips gently and immediately feel the surge of pleasure as his head brushes against that spot again.

"Oh my god… what is that." I moaned appreciatively, trying to roll my hips to hit it again.

He smiles, a small chuckle shakes his chest as he meets my gaze. "It's your prostate. It's the pleasure-button in us boys… Pretty much the ultimate g-spot". I move upwards again and his eyes close as I force a moan out of him.

"Mmmmmm, I'm ready, Steve." And this time when I rock my hips, he meets me with a thrust and then begins pulling out slowly. The pleasure is unimaginable, and my body relaxes, it's like stretching a muscle for the first time in years, or scratching an itch you could feel but never quite reach.

He's nearly all the way out and he pauses, looks at my face to check for any doubt, and then slides in fluidly and more forcefully than before. I meet his thrusts as he begins to pick up speed and we reach a mutual rhythm.

I roll my hips and torque my body, twisting and squeezing around him, earning moans and grunts of appreciation. I can feel his bolstered head as it slides in and out of me, pushing up against my prostate with each thrust. 'Hehe, guess his aim is pretty good too'. I can see every muscle in his body flex and twitch with each movement. We both moan and grunt freely now, and every so often we can hear the slap of flesh meeting flesh. He moves his hand from beside my head and takes both of my wrists, holding my arms over my head as he leans in capturing my mouth with his. Steve's other hand reaches down between our bodies to rub my hard member. He slides his thumb over the leaking head and wraps his fingers around the shaft, twisting slightly as he pulls up and down to the rhythm of the thrusts.

I moan into his throat as our tongues battle for dominance, but I quickly give up and let him take over me. My body is hot and I can see the sheen of sweat on his chest and face. The next tug brings a familiar tightening to my groin and I moan,

"Steve, I'm not… gonna last".

He gets it and immediately bends forward, releasing my wrists and, while still holding my cock in one hand, wraps his other arm under my shoulder and around my back. He begins to rapidly pick up speed and uses his new position to pull me harder over his cock.

The room is spinning now filled with warmth, the sounds of heated moans and grunts and chaos and a grinding squeak; from the shifting table that's scratching the wood floor panels, and the potent, masculine smell of sex.

"Nuuuuuggggghh, Steve!" I call out, "Steve I'm gonna… I'm gonna"

"Cum for me Clint. Come on… Cum for me". It's a command. "Cum for me". And he bends down and captures me in a blistering kiss, as I obey his demands. My balls tighten and jets hot white splatter over our chests. Steve slows his thrusts momentarily and his body shudders as my orgasm causes me to tense around his shaft. I gasp and sputter and moan as the pleasure racks through my core. "That's it Clint, that's a good boy". He gives me a second to catch my breath and he moves inside me again, the pleasure from the post-orgasm stimulation fuels the darkness onward and I take control.

I lock my legs and secure my ankles around his waist. Holding my legs around him tightly, with him still inside me, I roll him over onto his back in one fluid motion. Steve cries out in surprise and pleasure as I sit atop him, slowly lowering myself down until he is completely sheathed once more. I then lift my hips and drop down again, forcefully, and begin bouncing on him.

He's moaning and begins to match my bounces with powerful thrusts, big meaty hands wrapping around my hips, pushing me up and down with more force, pulling himself in deeper. Steve roars and moans and watches me and I can see the signs of his impending release. With one final thrust he pushes into me and I lower myself over him as hard as I can, pulling him in as deep as he'll go. I force myself to not throw my head back and I watch him as he falls over the edge, screaming my name.

I can feel his seed erupt inside of me, filling me and I bounce lightly, milking him for all he's worth. I step off of him and lower myself to the ground. He's silent as he breathes, still lying on the table.

The gravity of my actions hits me like, well, like an explosive arrow. I can feel the darkness ebbing away, and fear and confusion fill the void it leaves in my head.

Steve sits up and reaches for my arm. I automatically step back and he drops his arm. I can see the sudden fear and confusion in his eyes too. "Clint I…" he starts but I turn and run into the hall disappearing into the shadows.


End file.
